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The Beginning
Well, I guess I'd like to start with a giant "SORRY" to those who i left hanging over Operation: Diana Likes A Boy. Schtuff has happened, not really relating to Josh specifically but that has basically had me prioritize in a way that does not include him. But it was a fun October.
That being said, one of the most amazing things to happen to me this semester is that through Prepare Jenna and myself started a small group, with one main thing in mind: cut through the b***s***, then love each other. Of course we didn't say it like that, but a community of people who share a love of God in common...and are serious about sharing parts of ourselves with others...its going to happen. Prepare has been having a big boost this year, we've like doubled, and mostly because of the AWESOME freshman that have started to come. For those who don't know Prepare is kind of under the radar on campus, there's Proclaim which is a full band worship kind of group that gets like 150-200 people that go regularly...other bible studies and whatnot are popular...but Prepare is the one that people still haven't heard of or whatever.
But its kind of awesome in that way. Anyways, so the small group now consists of roughly 16 people, making it not longer small but rather pudgy, but we split up into groups and its all got this small group feel basically. Can I just say I've come to dislike bible studies that are like, one person gives a little lesson and then discussion? Because, that's what i did in middle school and early high school. Thats baby stuff, honestly. I really don't want to insult anyone here, because I realize that those groups are important in their own way. And they work for a lot of people. But for me, I need something more.
No, what I want is a group where we can talk about whats really going on and not have 80% of the group be silent while two or three people tend to talk. No, I walked into it saying, If you're in this group...i want to know whats going on, and I'll wait however long I need to for you to tell me. And when you do, I'm going to feel so honored that you shared with me, and I'm going to pray with you. And I know this will be vice versa.
Intense, i suppose, but its something I feel like I've found. We've only met 5 times so far, Thursday nights. Everyone's at different places dealing with different stuff, but we all keep coming and we all keep praying. There's nothing i can say right now to give it justice really... But the scary thing is that when you agree to be honest and open with people about yourself, you start pulling crap out that you haven't touched in a long time. Knowing that there are people who will listen and love you not matter what is scary if you really think about it. Because it means I can't use the "no one wants to hear this" excuse.
My relationship with my Dad is utterly complex and pretty much entirely destructive. There are things I have never said, never told anyone, that have sat in my head for years until these past few weeks. Its been easier to distance myself from him and my family and be happy. But I know that can't work in the long run. I can't go on in my life crying every time I see some dumb movie with a good father, or occasionally cry myself to sleep because I keep thinking of something that happened 7 years ago. And I can't pretend that it doesn't affect my relationships with others, especially guys. No, there is some stuff that I need to sort through.
I need to rebuild this relationship that I spent years running from, and it is so unfair that I have to take the first step. But if i don't, then who will? So, anyways, this is just The Beginning.
This week, if time permits, i think im going to share the final things I really just haven't told anyone.
P.S. Despite the great sadness emitting from this entry, my life has being going really well and this year at school is going great. I am growing as a person in ways that are beyond my own comprehension, and I'm as happy as I've ever been. And most importantly, I opened up a little and found 16 friends.
determinedThat being said, one of the most amazing things to happen to me this semester is that through Prepare Jenna and myself started a small group, with one main thing in mind: cut through the b***s***, then love each other. Of course we didn't say it like that, but a community of people who share a love of God in common...and are serious about sharing parts of ourselves with others...its going to happen. Prepare has been having a big boost this year, we've like doubled, and mostly because of the AWESOME freshman that have started to come. For those who don't know Prepare is kind of under the radar on campus, there's Proclaim which is a full band worship kind of group that gets like 150-200 people that go regularly...other bible studies and whatnot are popular...but Prepare is the one that people still haven't heard of or whatever.
But its kind of awesome in that way. Anyways, so the small group now consists of roughly 16 people, making it not longer small but rather pudgy, but we split up into groups and its all got this small group feel basically. Can I just say I've come to dislike bible studies that are like, one person gives a little lesson and then discussion? Because, that's what i did in middle school and early high school. Thats baby stuff, honestly. I really don't want to insult anyone here, because I realize that those groups are important in their own way. And they work for a lot of people. But for me, I need something more.
No, what I want is a group where we can talk about whats really going on and not have 80% of the group be silent while two or three people tend to talk. No, I walked into it saying, If you're in this group...i want to know whats going on, and I'll wait however long I need to for you to tell me. And when you do, I'm going to feel so honored that you shared with me, and I'm going to pray with you. And I know this will be vice versa.
Intense, i suppose, but its something I feel like I've found. We've only met 5 times so far, Thursday nights. Everyone's at different places dealing with different stuff, but we all keep coming and we all keep praying. There's nothing i can say right now to give it justice really... But the scary thing is that when you agree to be honest and open with people about yourself, you start pulling crap out that you haven't touched in a long time. Knowing that there are people who will listen and love you not matter what is scary if you really think about it. Because it means I can't use the "no one wants to hear this" excuse.
My relationship with my Dad is utterly complex and pretty much entirely destructive. There are things I have never said, never told anyone, that have sat in my head for years until these past few weeks. Its been easier to distance myself from him and my family and be happy. But I know that can't work in the long run. I can't go on in my life crying every time I see some dumb movie with a good father, or occasionally cry myself to sleep because I keep thinking of something that happened 7 years ago. And I can't pretend that it doesn't affect my relationships with others, especially guys. No, there is some stuff that I need to sort through.
I need to rebuild this relationship that I spent years running from, and it is so unfair that I have to take the first step. But if i don't, then who will? So, anyways, this is just The Beginning.
This week, if time permits, i think im going to share the final things I really just haven't told anyone.
P.S. Despite the great sadness emitting from this entry, my life has being going really well and this year at school is going great. I am growing as a person in ways that are beyond my own comprehension, and I'm as happy as I've ever been. And most importantly, I opened up a little and found 16 friends.
