Teh Scottie

There was once a time that me and my best friend made a purity covenant and I could barely go a month before I broke it. But she didn`t love me less or love me more. So now I am writing it out by hand, signing it and sealing it with ink and tears. Because its not a covenant that was made to deprive of us something, it was made to keep us from hurting ourselves. And I went and really hurt myself.

Nagano was great, seeing Hannah for the first time in 2 years and being able to talk with her for the first time in 3. Zeke is a great kid who is going to grow up and do things we would never have dreamed of. Seth is awesome too, but in a way that clashes with me because of the part of me that is so insecure. But I`m changing, and so are my relationships with most people, for the better. One highlight was Friday night when we stayed up for the second night in a row to at least 1 am, and she and I prayed together. This is the first time I have prayed face to face with a person in more than 2 months. I told a friend the other day that I haven`t cried once since I`ve been here in Japan, which is kind of a return to normal for me but also a little strange in light of how much crying I`ve done this past year. But the truth is I cried once in September, but not as much as I wanted to. Colleen typed her prayer in AIM and I cried as much as I could let myself, sitting in J building in a computer lab. I can`t describe how lonely I was and what that meant to me.

I miss singing outloud to worship God. As loudly and passionately as I like, no outside limitations, no inside limitations. It`s something I got to do this past weekend. Vacation indeed. Ive been stumbling upon such awesome music but singing in paper thin walled Japan is a no-no. Let alone singing my heart out.

When I get home Laura and I are going to create some music. I`m looking forward to it. We're so shy around each sometimes, othertimes not. It`s funny to think how my relationship with her, which is so awesome, stems directly from so many so many tears and battles with my insecurities and belief in self. Then when I got finished with my tantrums and my depressions He simply pointed to her and said "This is why" and from there I have a friend like I`ve never had and never will.

Sunday night after I got back the crew headed out to the park. We barely drank, but it kind of made Troof or Troof an especially sweet time. Ever wish you could love people more? Like, love them so much that all their problems fade away and everything is okay for them, and they are just happy and at peace? Love them so much that their hurts are washed away but never forgotten? It drives me, this love. It`s impossible for me to believe it doesn`t exist. And it`s really all I see and hear anymore. A long time ago I forgot what life was like without it. I think Sunday night was the first time I used the term "undercurrent of Hope" at all, and I think I realize what it is that maybe I have that others don`t? It`s certainly nothing I acheived. I just wish Japan could see that is free and for the taking.

Anyone can see the road that they walked on was paved in gold. But where were they going without ever knowing the way?